It's Nothing Personal

I type this as I am sitting on the floor of my children's room, anxiously waiting for them to fall asleep. I am overwhelmed by how much school work I have to do. It's not just normal class work, it is all the work I missed because Ezekiel came early. What was impossible for me to complete four months ago seems to be just as difficult for entirely different reasons. 

I hate July. Mind you, I have had two of my children in July, got engaged in July. But July is the month that reminds me of relationships I have lost and I cannot help but feel deep sorrow for them. 

One of my last blog posts triggered a "falling out" with a friend. I think that is the main reason I stopped blogging. (Who wants to loose friends for sharing your personal thoughts?) An unforeseen side effect has been my relational withdrawal. I like being intimate, transparent, and honest; since then, I have not wanted to invest myself in anyone new. Even now, I feel reserved; longing for closeness, yet not investing for fear of the risks. 

This probably would not bother me so much if I was actually secure in who I am. I am not. You know how you can tell when some is judging you? I do that. Not to feel better about myself, but to provide reasons for the rejection I feel.  Too honest?

Maybe it's the sleep depravation getting to me, or the fact that I am living with my in laws awaiting a job transfer for Stephen, or hormones. It definitely could be hormones...

Despite what I am feeling or how I am processing, there is always a sure way to get out of it. Praise. I know it sounds "Christian cliche," but there is power in declaring the goodness of God. Mind you, this is not a quiet or calm exercise of faith. This is where my expressive Pentecostal background comes out. In full force; my poor neighbors. (My in laws are never home for this.) Thankfully, my children enjoy my loud singing, clapping, and attempts at dancing. 

Psalm71:14-24

14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. 15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure. 16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone. 17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds. 18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come. 19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you? 20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. 21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. 22 I will praise you with the harp for your faithfulness, O my God; I will sing praise to you with the lyre, O Holy One of Israel. 23 My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you-- I, whom you have redeemed. 24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts all day long, for those who wanted to harm me have been put to shame and confusion.