I have held off commenting or posting anything because I did not want to communicate a tone of judgement. That's not my heart. I worried about who would read my post, how I could possibly offend them, and how a severance in relationship could occur. But no one is asking me about it. I don't know if that's because people are afraid to talk to me about it, or if its because they think they already know my response.
It took me a while, but I finally realized that those who read my blog are friends. My friends, or friends of my friends. If it was to come up in conversation, I would share the same thoughts; my heart for you would not change. Ladies, I love you. I deeply love you. My eyes fill with tears as I think about how much I love you and care about you. How I desperately want you to understand the commitment that I have to you as I write this.
Recently, during a counseling session with a young couple, Stephen (my husband) and I had the privilege of talking about porn and the effects that it has on marriage. (Now, if you are by chance a younger reader, please stop reading, and get EXPRESSED permission from your parent BEFORE continuing. I respect your parents and request that you do this.) Typically, porn has been a struggle for men, and closely linked with masturbation. (Yep, I am going there.) In our over-sexed culture, porn is becoming an increasing struggle for women. For most women, its not necessarily the visual, but the emotional satisfaction being sought. It's an addition to Love; the emotions, the highs, the overwhelming consuming force that takes over. And now its conveniently available at your local theater and bookstore.
You've guessed it. The popular series 50 Shades of Gray and Magic Mike. If there is any question in your mind, yes, they are porn. Can I tell you how embarrassing it was to go to the movie theater and see droves of dressed up women going to see naked men? And just to clarify, if its not appropriate entertainment to visit a strip club, it is not any more appropriate to watch a movie about strippers. If I value fidelity, a novel about an explicit affair should not be on my nightstand. Am I making sense?
I am not an expert, obviously. I am a full time student and stay at home mom. I am also a wife. Unlike most women my age, not only was I a virgin when I got married, I married one too. (Crazy, huh?) Don't misunderstand, Stephen and I had a difficult time keeping our hands to ourselves, so this is not coming from someone with the self control of a super hero. Stephen was the first man, and only man, that I have kissed. But even with that being the context, we have had to do SERIOUS damage control because of the exposure to porn and masturbation in both of our lives from early childhood. This stuff takes root, and does not easily go away.
So why do I tell you this? To gross you out, having you think less of Stephen and I? No, I tell you because I desire for you to have less damage to heal from. Images don't just go away. Music triggers emotions. And living vicariously though the experience of someone else is still being unfaithful. Because we are investing ourselves in ways that we promised to only give to our spouse. With porn, every image, lyric, and word seeks to captivate our attention, turning us away from our spouse. And if you aren't married yet, why begin a pattern that seeks to destroy your marriage before it starts?
The book of Song of Songs almost did not make it into the Bible. Why? Too graphic. While some of the imagery might not do much for you personally, hearing the way two lovers speak to each other can cause the occasional blush. Obviously, sex is important to God. He made it! AND YES, HE MADE IT GOOD! But more than just stating that, there is a phrase in Song of Songs that the bride repeats over and over: Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (2:7, 3:5, 8:4) Translation: Ladies! Do not go there till your married and it is with your husband!
Unfortunately, too many of us have not heeded this advice. We did the opposite, we rushed towards the flames of love without understanding how easily we are burned when not handling it properly. Sure, it can start innocently, with a movie here, or a book there, but we can become addicted to the feelings of "love." But this isn't love; for it to be love, it must be directed towards a person, a relationship. And when it comes to sex, it should be within the protection and safety of marriage.
This post is not to be condemning. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of something, then that is what you should be tuning into, what He wants to heal in you. It would be irresponsible of me to share with you my thoughts and not offer any further direction. I recognize that this might be new information to you, it might have never crossed your mind before. For others, you might see the addictive pull that sexual material has and it has not occurred to you that life can be different.
There is a ministry called Pure Desire, and their ENTIRE ministry is about healing from sexual addiction. For men and women. For those who are struggling, and for those who have been hurt as a consequence. IT IS POWERFUL! Here is a link to their website, http://www.puredesire.org/, and if you have questions about the ministry, you can ask my husband or myself. There is hope and freedom from sexual addiction.
Now of course, there is going to be the person that says that this "stuff" is helping their relationship with their husband or spouse... And I can see how you could feel this way, but I have a couple of questions for you to consider: Is your spouse aware of all that you are exposing yourself too? Who is the focus on and how is that developing intimacy? And if it was your spouse exposing themselves to this material, would that make you comfortable? Experiencing another person's graphic sexual encounter is bringing someone else into your bedroom. Understandably, if you are needing help in this area, don't mimic your intimate experience on fantasy. This book has been very helpful in our marriage, A Celebration of Sex, and take time to invest into creating a sexually satisfying marriage that is uniquely your own.
I want you to have the best possible experience in marriage. Please hear that. This is not about dumping on what is culturally trending right now. (There will always be something to oppose.) Its not about depriving you from an experience you feel entitled to. Its about taking time to understanding what we are investing ourselves in, exposing ourselves to, and what we are actively protecting. Preparing and offering your best, means turning down distractions along the way.
I love you. Let me know how we can walk and move forward together.
