Addicted to Love

I have held off commenting or posting anything because I did not want to communicate a tone of judgement. That's not my heart. I worried about who would read my post, how I could possibly offend them, and how a severance in relationship could occur. But no one is asking me about it. I don't know if that's because people are afraid to talk to me about it, or if its because they think they already know my response.


It took me a while, but I finally realized that those who read my blog are friends. My friends, or friends of my friends. If it was to come up in conversation, I would share the same thoughts; my heart for you would not change. Ladies, I love you. I deeply love you. My eyes fill with tears as I think about how much I love you and care about you. How I desperately want you to understand the commitment that I have to you as I write this. 


Recently, during a counseling session with a young couple, Stephen (my husband) and I had the privilege of talking about porn and the effects that it has on marriage. (Now, if you are by chance a younger reader, please stop reading, and get EXPRESSED permission from your parent BEFORE continuing. I respect your parents and request that you do this.) Typically, porn has been a struggle for men, and closely linked with masturbation. (Yep, I am going there.) In our over-sexed culture, porn is becoming an increasing struggle for women. For most women, its not necessarily the visual, but the emotional satisfaction being sought. It's an addition to Love; the emotions, the highs, the overwhelming consuming force that takes over. And now its conveniently available at your local theater and bookstore.


You've guessed it. The popular series 50 Shades of Gray and Magic Mike. If there is any question in your mind, yes, they are porn. Can I tell you how embarrassing it was to go to the movie theater and see droves of dressed up women going to see naked men? And just to clarify, if its not appropriate entertainment to visit a strip club, it is not any more appropriate to watch a movie about strippers. If I value fidelity, a novel about an explicit affair should not be on my nightstand. Am I making sense?


I am not an expert, obviously. I am a full time student and stay at home mom. I am also a wife. Unlike most women my age, not only was I a virgin when I got married, I married one too. (Crazy, huh?) Don't misunderstand, Stephen and I had a difficult time keeping our hands to ourselves, so this is not coming from someone with the self control of a super hero. Stephen was the first man, and only man, that I have kissed. But even with that being the context, we have had to do SERIOUS damage control because of the exposure to porn and masturbation in both of our lives from early childhood. This stuff takes root, and does not easily go away. 


So why do I tell you this? To gross you out, having you think less of Stephen and I? No, I tell you because I desire for you to have less damage to heal from. Images don't just go away. Music triggers emotions. And living vicariously though the experience of someone else is still being unfaithful. Because we are investing ourselves in ways that we promised to only give to our spouse. With porn, every image, lyric, and word seeks to captivate our attention, turning us away from our spouse. And if you aren't married yet, why begin a pattern that seeks to destroy your marriage before it starts?


The book of Song of Songs almost did not make it into the Bible. Why? Too graphic. While some of the imagery might not do much for you personally, hearing the way two lovers speak to each other can cause the occasional blush. Obviously, sex is important to God. He made it! AND YES, HE MADE IT GOOD! But more than just stating that, there is a phrase in Song of Songs that the bride repeats over and over: Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (2:7, 3:5, 8:4) Translation: Ladies! Do not go there till your married and it is with your husband!


Unfortunately, too many of us have not heeded this advice. We did the opposite, we rushed towards the flames of love without understanding how easily we are burned when not handling it properly. Sure, it can start innocently, with a movie here, or a book there, but we can become addicted to the feelings of "love." But this isn't love; for it to be love, it must be directed towards a person, a relationship. And when it comes to sex, it should be within the protection and safety of marriage.


This post is not to be condemning. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you of something, then that is what you should be tuning into, what He wants to heal in you. It would be irresponsible of me to share with you my thoughts and not offer any further direction. I recognize that this might be new information to you, it might have never crossed your mind before. For others, you might see the addictive pull that sexual material has and it has not occurred to you that life can be different. 


There is a ministry called Pure Desire, and their ENTIRE ministry is about healing from sexual addiction. For men and women. For those who are struggling, and for those who have been hurt as a consequence. IT IS POWERFUL! Here is a link to their website, http://www.puredesire.org/, and if you have questions about the ministry, you can ask my husband or myself. There is hope and freedom from sexual addiction.


Now of course, there is going to be the person that says that this "stuff" is helping their relationship with their husband or spouse... And I can see how you could feel this way, but I have a couple of questions for you to consider: Is your spouse aware of all that you are exposing yourself too? Who is the focus on and how is that developing intimacy? And if it was your spouse exposing themselves to this material, would that make you comfortable? Experiencing another person's graphic sexual encounter is bringing someone else into your bedroom. Understandably, if you are needing help in this area, don't mimic your intimate experience on fantasy. This book has been very helpful in our marriage, A Celebration of Sex, and take time to invest into creating a sexually satisfying marriage that is uniquely your own.


I want you to have the best possible experience in marriage. Please hear that. This is not about dumping on what is culturally trending right now. (There will always be something to oppose.) Its not about depriving you from an experience you feel entitled to. Its about taking time to understanding what we are investing ourselves in, exposing ourselves to, and what we are actively protecting. Preparing and offering your best, means turning down distractions along the way. 


I love you. Let me know how we can walk and move forward together. 

Class Assignment: Reflection on 1 Corinthians

Ok, some of you may not like this one so much...

            In Paul’s letter to the believers in Corinth, he gently but sternly speaks to them about the importance of unity and diversity of the believers in Christ. This passage is often times viewed and preached for the importance of church wide participation, unity in the community, and understanding that spiritual gifts have an active and important role in the church. While the message appears to be very clear, what is not stated is destruction that happens in the deficiency of unity and diversity. The body becomes plagued; destroyed from the inside out with an autoimmune disease.

            An autoimmune disease happens when a body’s immune system begins to attack its own healthy organs or tissue with the intent of destroying them. While this description of an improperly functioning body is describing the physical body, the body of Christ can also suffer from this sickness. In 1 Corinthians, Paul describes one part of the body dismissing its need for another; an autoimmune disease is when the body’s statement of unneeded parts becomes an attack to destroy its own health.

            Paul recognizes that this view of unneeded parts is actually contrary and states “those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable” (1 Corinthians 12:22 NIV). It is the perception of the other body parts that need to be adjusted so that what seems to be unneeded is given its proper value; they are indispensable. Most often this type of autoimmune disease is seen in the damage of gossip and slander, and the offenders are not even aware of the harm they are inflicting on their own health.

            A very clear understanding of the body not recognizing it’s needs for others is why Paul wrote this before describing the how the gifts are to be used in the body of Christ. Without the understanding of each person’s importance, the importance of the gifts they bring will be lost. As leaders and followers of Christ, great care must be taken to insure that we are not attacking our own body because of a skewed perception. Rather, “the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty” (1 Corinthians 12:23 NIV). This consideration of each other will bring unity and diversity and remove the autoimmune disease among us.

Class Assignment: Reflection on John

            Upon reflecting on the Gospel of John, during the Last Supper (John 13:21-30) John recounts what Jesus was saying specifically about his betrayer Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. The symnoptic Gospels focus more on Jesus serving the first communion, and while it is not easy to dismiss the deep reflection that Jesus shared with his disciples, those same insights of the breaking of bread and drinking the cup are referenced in the Gospel of John.

             “Jesus said to them, ‘Very truly I tell you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in them.’” John 6:53-56

            The curious part of this observation, one would assume that because John was “the Beloved” his account of the Last Supper would have intimate details of those precious last moments before the crucifixion. Why would John focus on the betrayer rather than his experience as the beloved? Instead he shares an intimate action that happens before the serving of the bread and the wine. John describes the humbling experience of having his feet washed by Jesus, an account that is only listed in John’s Gospel.

“When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. ‘Do you understand what I have done for you?’ he asked them. ‘You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.’” John 13:12-17

It was this memory that John share, for it was this one that had more significance for him. There is an identifying with community and with Christ in the sacraments, but in Jesus washing John’s feet, he was identifying John as his own. It was after John’s feet were washed that he leaned on the Lord’s chest and before partaking. The intimate insight of John sharing that he was claimed first before choosing communion with others is a powerful message of belonging before becoming.

Class Assignment: Reflection on Matthew

           The Gospel of Matthew is written with an emphasis on Jesus as an authoritative teacher. Matthew observed that Jesus’s audience recognized and responded to his teaching: “When Jesus had finished saying these things, the crowds were amazed at his teaching, because he taught as one who had authority, and not as their teachers of the law.” (Matthew 7:28-29 NIV) For one to have authority, it implies that they are an expert and have the right to command their audience. This authority is part of Christ’s deity; but also being fully man, Christ had to demonstrate that his human will was in submission to his deity.

            He includes the account of Christ being tempted by Satan in Matthew 4:1-10. Christ was tempted in three areas: the miraculous appearing and provision of food; the testing of God to defy the laws of science; and to worship Satan in exchange for worldly dominion. By not giving into temptation, Christ demonstrated that his human nature was in submission to God. He had victory over temptation before starting his public ministry.

            During his public ministry and up till the time of his resurrection, Christ uses his authority in the same areas in which he was tempted. In Matthew 14, Christ preforms the miracle of food provision (Mt 14:19-21). Jesus then used his authority to defy the laws of science by walking on water (Mt 14:25-33). He also demonstrated his authority of dominion by claiming all authority on heaven and on earth after his resurrection (Mt 28:16-20).

            Christ’s victory over temptation had a direct impact on his ministry. By conquering temptation, it validated Christ’s authority. Temptation, by design, is supposed to subject, destroy, and kill. It is also not an indication of weakness or inadequacy. By overcoming temptation, one is then available to God moving in authority in those areas. Victory over temptation is more than a relief from the current struggle; it is a powerful indicator of the authority that God has given to move in the supernatural.  

Class Assignment: Reflection on Mark

“The beginning of the good news about Jesus the Messiah, the Son of God, as it is written in Isaiah the prophet:

            ‘I will send my messenger ahead of you,

            who will prepare your way’ –

            ‘a voice of one calling in the wilderness,

            “Prepare the way for the Lord,

            make straight paths for him.”’

And so, John the Baptist appeared in the wilderness, preaching a baptism of repentance for the forgiveness of sins.”      Mark 1:1-4 NIV

Mark starts his Gospel with prophecy given about the ministry of John the Baptist. It is an extremely powerful statement; the book of Mark starts with the fulfillment of prophecies, plans, and purposes.

            Upon first reading, it is easy to see why John the Baptist was able to move powerfully in his ministry; it had been clearly prophesied. There was mission to his devotion and it guided John the Baptist to the fulfillment of Christ’s coming and water baptism. Like John the Baptist, Christ’s followers have the same prophesy spoken over them; go, prepare the bride, and preach according to what Christ has revealed.

The unique location of John the Baptist is similar to the atmosphere of the current culture. While there is not the presence of geographical wilderness, as described by Mark, there is a spiritual dryness and ruggedness to the post-modern culture. Christ followers are not called to hang out getting fat on the lush landscape of the church, but to go the “wilderness” of culture. While not every community reflects this attitude of disengagement with the “wilderness” around them, it is common in the American Church.  

It is easy to become discouraged with the day-to-day monotony, and loose sight of the reasons behind actions. To realize that there is fulfillment in life in the areas of prophecies, plans, and purposes; gives life and vision to live out to the fullness of what God has intended. Identifying with the purpose of John the Baptist, that the church is to prepare for Christ’ second coming is a centering reminder through the chaos of life.

Class Assignment: Reflection on Acts

This was a reflection from the book of Acts from one of my class assignments this quarter.

          Many times ministries will suffer because of a lack of structure. What begins as an eagerness to be involved in every aspect of the life of the church, a pastor can become overwhelmed by the menial tasks that need to be completed. This desire is usually present because the pastor genuinely wants everything to be a beautiful reflection of God, and all aspects of the church to compliment each other, a continuity in the ministry. This quickly becomes a snare, and rather than the ministry as a whole reflecting the glory of God, it reflects a person, the pastor.

            In the midst of ministry struggle, often in desperation, pastors will look for the immediate answer, subscribing to all material available on how to lead, the value of teamwork and how to be a better “coach”. While these resources are not evil, they can feed the self-centered approach of the pastor, affirming that he is the solution to fixing the problem. The problem becomes “them” focused, and the solution becomes “me” focused. However, according to the early church, the problem was “me” focused, and the solution was “them” focused.

            In Acts chapter six, the apostles were in a season of amazing, unplanned, exponential growth. They were in the favor of God and still in the favor of man. Their community was caring for itself, not because of structured ministry outreaches, but because of the disciples’ obedience to the teachings of Christ. The apostles were beginning to feel the strain of not being able to resolve and be in every aspect of the ministry.

“So the Twelve gathered all the disciples together and said, ‘It would not be right for us to neglect the ministry of the word of God in order to wait on tables. Brothers and sisters, choose seven men from among you who are known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom. We will turn this responsibility over to them and will give our attention to prayer and the ministry of the word.’” (Acts 6:2-4 NIV)

Rather than blaming the problem on the new followers and demanding more of a sacrifice of their personal time, they looked at their limitations (the problem), and released disciples to care for the community (the solution).

            By releasing others to minister, regardless of previous experience, the apostles were able to stay committed their purpose. They were not distracted by having too much to do.  “So the word of God spread. The number of disciples in Jerusalem increased rapidly, and a large number of priests became obedient to the faith.” (Acts 6:7 NIV) As a result; there was increase and an increase in maturity! May we look to our Creator in times of challenge, it is he that created us and knows the most productive way to fulfill his mission.