So its after 2:00am... You would think after having a baby I would be exhausted, so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I was tired, and VERY quickly I feel asleep. And then the first feeding hit a little after 3am... That's when I was wide awake. In the cool darkness of my bedroom, as I cradled my son, one question was keeping me from sleep.
"What WAS that?"
It was much easier for me to wrap my head around just having a baby unexpectedly at home than it was for me to find a way to articulate what I had experienced. I have two daughters, ages 3 and 4, and while their births were different from each other, neither of them were in the same arena as Azariah's.
Here was my thought process, deeply flawed at times, but that's why its called a process. There was a journey I embarked on, and my destination was far grander than I had ever anticipated.
After having my two "epidural" girls and two natural miscarriages, my mind would wander when I would read biblical text that referred to "greatly increased labor pains," "women will be saved through child bearing," and the like. I started to wonder if I was taking the easy road out with the epidural and at the same time missing out on part of my deserved punishment as a woman. Its not like I have this morbid desire or obsession with pain. I just was struggling with the thought that maybe me skipping out on a disciplinary action was hindering some much needed character development.
I never really vocalized these thoughts till the last month of my pregnancy. I did not want someone to feel judged or misunderstood because of my difficultly to feel at peace with my choices. But there was also this hope in me. I had heard of labor being described as an act of worship, and while being obsessed with the punishment side of labor made much more logical sense, I deeply wanted a taste of this type of worship. Thankfully, I did share my thoughts with Stephen and Hannah.
Of course, for my husband, he got that "wow, you are so crazy when you are pregnant" look. And he told me that it was my choice and he would support me however I chose to labor. Hannah, not so much. :) She, ever so gently, help to steer my thoughts back to truth. Because of Christ, we are no longer under the curse. Its that simple. Hannah did confirm the worship aspect of labor, and described most of her labor as "precious time with the Lord." And then she shared something that totally rocked me... She didn't think labor was painful. WHAT?!!!
Yeah, labor, not painful? Good luck with that theory! Hannah said that while labor was intense, pain was the wrong word to describe it. I thought she was crazy. She said when your focus is on God, and submitting your body to him, it changes things. She had definitely had given me something to think about. And it was definitely challenging my initial pain and punishment approach.
In preparation for labor, I had decided that I would meditate on a portion of scripture that I knew well, and could easily recall. No need to stress myself out with the pressure of trying to remember exact translation phrasing. What we deem as "The Lord's Prayer" was what I had in mind (although why we call it that, doesn't really make sense. Jesus never prayed that, he gave it as a guide. These are the crazy ramblings that occur when your husband is a student theologian, and your conversations have gone beyond "What did you learn in school today?") Stephen and I had been getting up most Friday mornings at 6am to pray, and we would use this portion of Matthew 6 as a guide. It seemed like it would work.
So come Thursday night, I am in labor, and I am just not feeling "The Lord's Prayer." In the early stages, I am just trying to stay relaxed as much as possible. I actually prolonged my labor with Abigail because I could not relax during or between contractions, so it took me a while to dilate. When labor did get to the really active stage, reciting scripture in the shower did not fit. When you are alone, and completely venerable, you can be a little bit more honest with yourself.
During my pregnancy there had been plenty of difficulties, both personally and professionally, and it was in those moments that I learned that sometimes all you can do is worship. To move the focus off myself, my problem, my feelings, and just turn and acknowledge that God is so much more. All I need to do is worship.
So that's what I did. I worshiped. For two hours. Granted, there were interruptions. It was during those "interruptions" that I would experience pain, cause I wasn't worshiping. I was getting frustrated that Stephen wanted to know where the baby's new outfit was: not worshiping. Thinking about how EASY labor is with an epidural: not worshiping. You get the idea. For those two hours, there was only one song, chorus actually, that was sung. An old hymn that I had learned years ago.
"I need thee, oh, I need thee.
Every hour, I need thee.
Oh, bless me now my savior,
I come to thee."
Hannah was right. Labor was not painful. Pain is the wrong word to describe it. It was intense. It encompasses your entire being. I understand why the word pain is used. Labor is physically challenging and overwhelming, and the only other times our bodies experience physically challenging and overwhelming sensations is pain. It makes sense that we would associate the two, especially if we had not been told they could be separated.
Back to the question that was keeping me up, "What WAS that?"I was having great difficulty figuring it out. The only thing that came close to describing labor was a symphony. And that's when I had my light bulb moment.
Labor is a beautiful song that captures your soul with crescendos and increasing tempos, rushing to an explosive finale and leaves you with the sweet, gentle encore of new life. I started to weep. Laboring Azariah has been one of the most humbling experiences, and my participation was to worship. I finally understood why C.S. Lewis had describe creation being birthed out of song.
Labor is the invitation to join the Creator in the Creation Song.
