"Home"

We just got back from our visit to Southern California. And to be completely honest, I don't think I was ready for it...

Its been a little over a year since we moved to Oregon. Portland has been the home for many of our family's firsts. Abigail turned one, which I now realize is more of a mommy accomplishment than anything else. We got Stephen a puppy on Mother's Day, and yes, it is HIS dog. (Havana respects him as the only leader of the family.) And we had our second baby girl, Rachel Helene. Even with so many wonderful memories, I have had difficulty in adjusting my thinking that Portland is home. I would always default Los Angeles as being home. I was just on a really long missions trip.

Visiting California this weekend was different. It no longer feels like home. Driving on childhood streets and eating at In & Out felt strange. I would feel a surge of emotions at these familiar intersections, but they were so empty. Its like I was longing for something that didn't exist. It was actually kind of depressing, like the day after Christmas. What I really wasn't expecting was how seeing friends and family made it worse. I was overwhelmed with so much joy to see them, hug them, kiss them, love them... And yet, it caused me real pain to see them. 

The thing about home, what really makes it home, is family. I really don't have close friends. I have family. There are those who were born into it and those who have been married into it. And then there are those who are so close to me that they have become family. They went to great lengths to see us, and even then, some of them just couldn't manage it. It was these, my family, that I felt anguish for. Some of them had experienced devastating pain in the last year. They had lost spouses, children, jobs, homes, and some had lost everything. And I had missed it. 

I love being a listening ear, caring eyes, warm arms, and a gentle shoulder. I was not able to be there, I couldn't be. What's worse is that I have been none of those things to my new family in Portland. Truth be told, I haven't been me. I have allowed myself to be consumed with my own drama. I have not truly cared for anyone else. I may have been sympathetic, but I have not made the leap towards living my life sacrificially for anyone else. 

It was quite the revelation to realize that the community I so longed for, I was actively refusing to engage in. I have actually been substituting an artificial community of quick smiles and local stores for genuine relationships. Its not about which neighborhood I live in, which is Kerns now, but rather who I am choosing to share my life with. I know that demographics are important and practical. But I think my issue of not feeling at home has nothing to do with which side of Burnside I live on. 

What's even crazier, Stephen and I are entertaining thoughts of buying a place. I know, we have only lived in our current place for two months! When we were originally looking for a place, I wanted it to be close to where we were. Now with my wrestling with community, I don't care as much. I still want to be close, but I guess I don't feel the need to substitute familiar streets and buildings for the security that comes from deep and intimate relationships.

As silly as it sounds, I thought I would be betraying my family in California by developing a new one here in Oregon. Like I would be stealing or depriving them of something. When I was pregnant with Rachel, I remember talking to my mom about my worry over not being able to love her as much as I loved Abigail. She laughed. She told me that your heart grows. It doesn't take anything away, but that your capacity increases. Granted I will have to manage things a little more tightly, but that's life.

So here's to loving family.