I did realize how much I really love blogging, and how much my family needs for me to have an outlet. (I think Stephen misses it too, but I don't think he knows what "it" is...) The last two weeks have been filled with Winter Camp, In-Laws, colds, home hunting, and packing.
Yeah, the in-laws most recent visit was very special. And I mean that in a very literal and also sarcastic tone. Having them around really reveals our family's individual weaknesses, well Stephen's and mine. I won't go into detail as to what weaknesses are brought out in my husband, as they are only my perception, and I really don't feel like getting into a knock down drag out tonight. :)
My issues, I will gladly share. I am really amazed at myself. You would think that after almost 4 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I wouldn't be so insecure. Oh, but I am. Horribly insecure. It is actually embarrassing at how insecure I am. I even go as far as being filled with anxiety. And not just when they are here, but the month before and the days that follow. Nothing is off limits. I worry about everything. Laundry, dishes, tile grout, my weight, hygiene, couch covers, and dog hair. Just to name a few. Its exhausting.
Don't get me wrong. I have wonderful in-laws. Its just I don't feel like I measure up. Its not that I think they are disappointed with me, or even disapproving. But for some reason, their presence triggers a full theatrical production out of me. The song and dance that goes on over here would really shock some of you. Or at least, those of you who really know me. Why I am so concerned about their blessing on our family's choices is beyond me. (Cause if I knew, I would fix it already!)
It's a pride issue, I'm sure. Not wanting to appear vulnerable, but strong and capable. Like I need to prove that supporting our family's move to Oregon was the best decision. (I still get the feeling that they aren't happy with that choice. And one of them asked if our currently living situation had us considering relocating back to So. Cal.) That I am a good mother and wife, one who is WORTHY of their son's affection and their family name. I seriously thought I would have outgrown my insecurity by now, apparently its not a childhood illness.
So, I am very tired. Not only because I got a cold at the tail end of their visit, but I am emotionally spent. ARRGH! Why can't I just get over myself?
1. Because you're human.
ReplyDelete2. Because you're a woman.
I love you.