Enough

Frustrated. That is the perfect word to describe how I am feeling. I know that frustration is the result of expectations unmet. But honestly my heart doesn't care what my mind knows. Its just been one of those weeks.

So here it is. My frustration is rooted in parenting. Mainly my own shortcomings. My children are not perfect, and as a result, I don't give the perfect response. And yes, I know that they are still babies, and I should not have unrealistic expectations of them, as they are both under 2. Its not them, its me. Lately I have been feeling incompetent as a mom. This has been going on for a while now...

It started with a positive pregnancy test. Abigail was not planned, at least not by Stephen or me. How great of a parent can I really be if I wasn't even convinced that I was ready? Was I excited, yes. Would I take back Abigail, no. With the child care issue, I couldn't handle the idea of leaving her with a complete stranger. So I gave up my corporate office desk for an overnight grocery job. Taking naps when Abby slept, and only sleeping in the same bed as Stephen 2 nights a week.  I would really question if all of my drama was self inflicted.  And on days that I was overwhelmed, I would wonder about how much better Abigail deserves...

Then just as my sweet baby was turning 7 months, I found out I was pregnant, again. Another unplanned baby. Things went from complicated, to crazy. I got the flu when I was in my second month, and had to go to the emergency room for an IV for fluids to ensure that the baby would be ok.  When I was 3 months pregnant, I had to wean Abigail. She was only 9 months. I say that I had to, because I was loosing weight and I wasn't throwing up. I couldn't keep up with the calorie demands. I still feel guilty. And then we moved. My pregnancy symptoms were not horrific, but they were enough to put our family on edge.  The preterm labor and "false" labor scares had me on medications and making unnecessary trips to the hospital. 

When Rachel did arrive, I only spent 6 1/2 weeks at home, and then I was back to work. The girls did not do so well those first two weeks. Both of them showed their contempt by going on a combination of sleep and hunger strikes. After that, I started working overnight again. I would average 4 hours of sleep on a work day. The girls were eating and sleeping, but I wasn't. I was so sleep deprived, I started to get depressed. I had not felt that hopeless since I was in 8th grade and my parents took me out of public school to keep me home. I actually contemplated calling a doctor for some anti-depressants. The worst part was that I was so incredibly lonely. Stephen and I hardly had a chance to talk to each other. I couldn't be honest with anyone. So I would spend my nights at work sobbing on the floor of the grocery store.  Begging. "God, if you really love me, you will get me out of here..."

The begging was answered the second day of January. I was going to be laid off. Good News... or Bad News...? I still don't know. While I no longer feel like a crazy person, my family's well being is now in jeopardy. Downsizing to one income is very difficult to do, especially without warning. Oh, did I mention we have to move? This is not how I pictured motherhood. I finally have the patience to lovingly endure my toddler, but now I can't provide for her.  And now that I am rested enough to be awake with Rachel, I have realized that I slept away her first six months. And I can't ever get those back...

I just can't win. Even with all my effort, its never good enough. No one is getting the best of me, just the crusted remains from the serving spoon. The worst part is, I don't see an end in sight. I remember swimming in my cousin's pool, and trying to see how far I could hold my breath. Life feels a lot like that, the only difference is that I can't see the blue tile that frames the water.

I thought my life would be more settled. At a place of rest. This is probably the most depressing and discouraging blog to read. Stories that should sing of triumph and bring smiles, are just haunting memories. I don't know how to improve on the situation. I am just disappointed with where I am and the choices I am making to keep me here. At some point, I will look back, laugh, and be delighted about the road I have traveled on. But its not today. Tonight, I don't feel like walking.