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Yeah, its been a while. And for a very good reason. Life. Yep, life has gotten in the way. 

I did realize how much I really love blogging, and how much my family needs for me to have an outlet. (I think Stephen misses it too, but I don't think he knows what "it" is...) The last two weeks have been filled with Winter Camp, In-Laws, colds, home hunting, and packing.

Yeah, the in-laws most recent visit was very special. And I mean that in a very literal and also sarcastic tone. Having them around really reveals our family's individual weaknesses, well Stephen's and mine. I won't go into detail as to what weaknesses are brought out in my husband, as they are only my perception, and I really don't feel like getting into a knock down drag out tonight. :)

My issues, I will gladly share. I am really amazed at myself. You would think that after almost 4 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I wouldn't be so insecure. Oh, but I am. Horribly insecure. It is actually embarrassing at how insecure I am. I even go as far as being filled with anxiety. And not just when they are here, but the month before and the days that follow. Nothing is off limits. I worry about everything. Laundry, dishes, tile grout, my weight, hygiene, couch covers, and dog hair. Just to name a few. Its exhausting. 

Don't get me wrong. I have wonderful in-laws. Its just I don't feel like I measure up. Its not that I think they are disappointed with me, or even disapproving. But for some reason, their presence triggers a full theatrical production out of me. The song and dance that goes on over here would really shock some of you. Or at least, those of you who really know me. Why I am so concerned about their blessing on our family's choices is beyond me. (Cause if I knew, I would fix it already!)

It's a pride issue, I'm sure. Not wanting to appear vulnerable, but strong and capable. Like I need to prove that supporting our family's move to Oregon was the best decision. (I still get the feeling that they aren't happy with that choice. And one of them asked if our currently living situation had us considering relocating back to So. Cal.) That I am a good mother and wife, one who is WORTHY of their son's affection and their family name. I seriously thought I would have outgrown my insecurity by now, apparently its not a childhood illness.

So, I am very tired. Not only because I got a cold at the tail end of their visit, but I am emotionally spent. ARRGH! Why can't I just get over myself?

Registration

Ok, so we have winter camp tomorrow. Yeah. In all honesty, I have a love-hate relationship with camp stuff. I love that there is a very clear task, objective, and deadline. I also love that the event itself is very fluid because of all the different type of individuals involved. However, I HATE when I get stuck. And if you have ever had to deal with camp nonsense, you can get stuck often. Getting over those moments of being stuck is wonderful, but so many ups and downs can make you sick like a ferris wheel. 

Its also amazing what kind of details you let slip by you... Like child care. I know. How could I let my two pooping machines escape my mind? But I did. It was only this week that I realized I hadn't figured out what to do with them. The drama heightens. Scrambling to find overnight sitters is no easy task. And I was not having much success. Then, I got this crazy(God inspired) idea to call the conference. Its a big church. Maybe they have a preschool I could pay for my kids to go to. Well, 4 phone calls later, I still hadn't been able to get through to the right person. UGG! What to do... I figured I could start calling in the few favors I had left, maybe throw in some tears, see if anyone was willing to have pity on my negligence. 

We got home a little before 7 p.m. last night, and I was thinking I might not be able to do this. So frustrating! To put so much effort in, forget a minor detail like the kids, and not get to participate. Then my cell phone rings. Of course, a number I don't recognize. Do I pick up? Fine, I am trying to get my kids out of the car, but whatever! Its the conference. They are returning my call(8 hours later). They do have childcare. And its at the site. And its free. And they have room for my two kids. ITS A MIRACLE! Obviously, there are enough busy parents putting on the conference, that it was a real need. I am not alone.  At least I can stop worrying about how I am going to feed Rachel. I was concerned about having to pump and store the whole time. Now, I don't have to. 

Things are still being finalized. At as Stephen so graciously put it, things will still have to be done until the conference is over. Thanks, honey.

Enough

Frustrated. That is the perfect word to describe how I am feeling. I know that frustration is the result of expectations unmet. But honestly my heart doesn't care what my mind knows. Its just been one of those weeks.

So here it is. My frustration is rooted in parenting. Mainly my own shortcomings. My children are not perfect, and as a result, I don't give the perfect response. And yes, I know that they are still babies, and I should not have unrealistic expectations of them, as they are both under 2. Its not them, its me. Lately I have been feeling incompetent as a mom. This has been going on for a while now...

It started with a positive pregnancy test. Abigail was not planned, at least not by Stephen or me. How great of a parent can I really be if I wasn't even convinced that I was ready? Was I excited, yes. Would I take back Abigail, no. With the child care issue, I couldn't handle the idea of leaving her with a complete stranger. So I gave up my corporate office desk for an overnight grocery job. Taking naps when Abby slept, and only sleeping in the same bed as Stephen 2 nights a week.  I would really question if all of my drama was self inflicted.  And on days that I was overwhelmed, I would wonder about how much better Abigail deserves...

Then just as my sweet baby was turning 7 months, I found out I was pregnant, again. Another unplanned baby. Things went from complicated, to crazy. I got the flu when I was in my second month, and had to go to the emergency room for an IV for fluids to ensure that the baby would be ok.  When I was 3 months pregnant, I had to wean Abigail. She was only 9 months. I say that I had to, because I was loosing weight and I wasn't throwing up. I couldn't keep up with the calorie demands. I still feel guilty. And then we moved. My pregnancy symptoms were not horrific, but they were enough to put our family on edge.  The preterm labor and "false" labor scares had me on medications and making unnecessary trips to the hospital. 

When Rachel did arrive, I only spent 6 1/2 weeks at home, and then I was back to work. The girls did not do so well those first two weeks. Both of them showed their contempt by going on a combination of sleep and hunger strikes. After that, I started working overnight again. I would average 4 hours of sleep on a work day. The girls were eating and sleeping, but I wasn't. I was so sleep deprived, I started to get depressed. I had not felt that hopeless since I was in 8th grade and my parents took me out of public school to keep me home. I actually contemplated calling a doctor for some anti-depressants. The worst part was that I was so incredibly lonely. Stephen and I hardly had a chance to talk to each other. I couldn't be honest with anyone. So I would spend my nights at work sobbing on the floor of the grocery store.  Begging. "God, if you really love me, you will get me out of here..."

The begging was answered the second day of January. I was going to be laid off. Good News... or Bad News...? I still don't know. While I no longer feel like a crazy person, my family's well being is now in jeopardy. Downsizing to one income is very difficult to do, especially without warning. Oh, did I mention we have to move? This is not how I pictured motherhood. I finally have the patience to lovingly endure my toddler, but now I can't provide for her.  And now that I am rested enough to be awake with Rachel, I have realized that I slept away her first six months. And I can't ever get those back...

I just can't win. Even with all my effort, its never good enough. No one is getting the best of me, just the crusted remains from the serving spoon. The worst part is, I don't see an end in sight. I remember swimming in my cousin's pool, and trying to see how far I could hold my breath. Life feels a lot like that, the only difference is that I can't see the blue tile that frames the water.

I thought my life would be more settled. At a place of rest. This is probably the most depressing and discouraging blog to read. Stories that should sing of triumph and bring smiles, are just haunting memories. I don't know how to improve on the situation. I am just disappointed with where I am and the choices I am making to keep me here. At some point, I will look back, laugh, and be delighted about the road I have traveled on. But its not today. Tonight, I don't feel like walking.